My Refuge

We all need a place to go when things in our lives aren't exactly right - or maybe just to steal away for a couple of hours to escape the reality of our own world. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks - my refuge is the dog park! I've been taking Luke every now and then, he has so much fun there and gets a great workout. What I didn't realize was how much I enjoyed going myself. Dogs and their owners enclosed in a very large fenced in area with benches, wood chips, trees, some dog toys and water bowls,tunnels to run through; what more do you need for an afternoon frolic. While he runs around like a frantic lunatic, chasing this, that and every dog in sight, I quietly sit on the bench inhaling the crisp cool air of late, soaking up the late September sun, lost in thoughts of everything and then nothing. Sitting there today I forgot that last night I clogged the garbage disposal. I forgot that I'm in three Science classes this year, and I hate Science. I forgot, for just a few minutes, how much I am missing Jamey and how empty our home and my heart feels without him. I forgot how tired I feel this week, just not myself, and how drawn my face looks. And oh yeah, I guess I also forgot how I should really be home doing a ton of housework instead of sitting here at the dog park. Yes, these things and more - they just don't matter for at least a little while.

I'm not sure how long you can keep going to the dog park. Does it close in the winter? Or do the dogs run around in the snow? I imagine that would be great fun to be all bundled up - I would still go, but will anyone else be bringing their dogs?? What about when we turn the clocks back and it's pitch black at 5:00 o'clock? I guess we'll have to go right after school when that happens.
Oh well, I'll just take it one day at a time. The important thing here is to have a safe place to go and hide from everything for a while. For now it's the dog park for me. Hmmm, the library could also work but I can't take Luke . . .

It's Official

As of Saturday, Jamey is a college student. Today he actually started classes, I wonder how that went. I'll call him later, I don't want him to feel like I'm stalking him!!

Anyway, Saturday couldn't have gone smoother. Jamey lucked out getting a first floor room. His roommate seems really nice, and their room looks cozy and comfortable. Not big of course, but I think big enough. I thought we were bringing too much stuff, but everything seemed to fit in perfectly with a little room to spare. It was an absolutely beautiful day to move in - the school had a big barbecue lunch for the families on the lawn with music. I once again felt confident about this choice for Jamey. It just seems perfect for him.

You might be wondering why I'm not writing all kinds of tear-jerk anecdotes right now. Don't get me wrong, I am feeling the loss of him, and feeling it big-time. I still can't go into his room, but that's okay. I'll eventually make it in there for my usual crying jag, but not yet. Yes, I did openly cry when I kissed him goodbye. And I found it extremely hard to let go of him, and he kind of just let me hang onto him, hugging me just as hard back. The thing is, he looked so excited and happy. After years of helping move his siblings in and out of college, year after year, it's finally his turn. It's his turn to grow up; his turn to make new friends, his turn to shine. Through my own pain of missing him and watching him move on and away, I know this. And I really am happy for him, so happy for him, I can't wait to hear all of his stories (at least the ones he'll share) this now-college son of mine. And I am already counting the days to parent's weekend.

I don't care how old he is, or where he lives, he'll always be my baby. That's the way it is, my sweet baby James.

THE Last Night . . .

Til we bring Jamey to college and I am a wreck. Cool collected Debbie (questionable on any given day) does not exist. She has been replaced with frantic momaholic Debbie, crying, running around doing all kinds of things to get ready, strolling down memory lane, crying again. The anxiety level is epic. I'm pretty good at holding it together in front of Jamey; I don't want to upset him.

We had a really nice last dinner. Jamey's favorite: chicken parm with spaghetti, salad, and brocoli. His girlfriend Kirsten ate over too; and I bursted out crying while saying goodbye to her. You not only miss your own kid; you also miss their girlfriend and friends in general hanging out at your house. Yes, it's gonna be mighty quiet around here.

I think we're bringing too much stuff. After getting everything finally packed tonight, I feel like it's just too much to start off. I better get up extra early and see if I can consolidate a little.

I've got to hold it somewhat together tomorrow. I don't want to stress Jamey out. How am I ever gonna do this? THIS IS MY BABY!!!!! Somebody help me please . . .

2 Days and counting . . .

Til Jamey goes to college. Yesterday was another good mommy and me day for us. I didn't have to work, so we basically spent the day picking out clothes to pack, organizing them, doing laundry as necessary, etc. We looked through pictures taken this summer and had some prints made. I plan on putting together a small album for him to take with him, JUST IN CASE he is missing all of us. I ran the gamut of emotions yesterday; laughing, tearing up (not that he could see, don't want to upset him), worrying, feeling anxious, and then at the end of the day just loving the hell out of this baby boy of mine. I mean, its gottne so bad at one point during the day while sitting on the floor of his bedroom I actually teared up lookiing at the hairs on his legs!!! Crazy, I know, but understand: THIS IS MY BABY!!!

Anyway, we topped off the night by meeting our friends Peggy, my friend, and mother of Jeffrey, Jamey's friend. Through the years, since kindergarten, the four of us have had many many adventures together. It was only fitting that we should have this 'last supper' together, the four of us. We went to one of our favorite pizza restaurants where the pizza crust is paper thin and it comes out of the oven piping hot and bubbly. The conversation was lively, and every now and again I would just glance over to Peggy, reading the anxiety in her face and measuring it with my own, - she was taking Jeffrey to Maryland today to move him in on Friday. Jeffrey is her baby too - she is feeling much the same way as me. We have mommed them for so long, and I mean mommed them! We spoke for a few minutes on this subject, and I'm sure Peggy and I will revisit it time and time again once these boys are gone.

Today as I was driving home thinking about college AGAIN, I was wondering: whose idea was it anyway that kids should go away? Not mine, that's for sure. Wish me luck . . .

4 Days and Counting . . .

til Jamey goes off to college. What a tough week for both him and I. Sunday was a great mommy and me day though. We pursued a spur of the moment idea to go up to Woodbury Commons Outlets and do some pre-college shopping. The main reason for going was to get him some kind of all purpose, all weather jacket which he could layer over his North Face fleece in the dead of Winter. We got the jacket and proceeded on to the Nike outlet, Jamey's ultimate favorite. We were in there for quite a while; when we were ready to leave, of course, unexpectedly, the skies opened up to a torrential downpour. We were both in shorts and t-shirts, with no other cover of any kind. Except for Jamey's all weather jacket. Needless to say, he wouldn't put it on, guess he wanted to keep it fresh for school (something I would do also). After waiting for as long as we both had the patience for, we decided to make a run for it. Our car was quite a distance away from where we were; we knew we were going to get soaked to the skin. And we did; what a sight we were! Mother and Son running in the rain, dodging huge puddles, water literally running down our faces. It was refreshingly fun, and a special memory in the making for us, although I didn't even realize it at the time. It didn't hit me til much later on at home. Yes, I'll definitely freeze that moment in my bottomless pit of a child-memory bank. And yes, in the days weeks and months to come, I'll recall it with longing for my college son.
Last night I fell asleep at about 10:30 but woke up an hour later to brush my teeth and get a drink of water. Once I climbed bck into bed, I couldn't go back to sleep, which is so unusual for me. I am a great sleeper, but this was not to be last night. I tossed and turned, worrying about Jamey, worrying about me without him, just thinking and worrying in a vicious cycle of non-sleep. I guess I finally drifted off about 2:00am; but even then, did not sleep in my usual rock-sytle; it was very light and broken, a really crappy night's sleep. I know in my heart that he'll be fine. And I guess I will too, eventually. This is just one really tough week. Stay tuned.

Countdown is On . . .

A week from tomorrow we take Jamey to college. Yikes, how did this happen? I am freaking out; how can my baby be going to college?

I think about it every day even before my eyes are open. It's the last thing I think about before drifting off to sleep. I know I'm not alone; I've spoken to several moms who are also loosing their babies to college this year. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones cause at least Charles is back home for a while. Momming him should take up some time and keep me busy.

It's just that I'm worrying about Jamey being there. I'm worried about me here without him. I'm so used to having him around; and with four years age difference between him and Charles; it's been only him home for four years (give or take some time that the girls were home). I guess it's safe to say I'm spending a good deal of time just plain worrying. And the crying I'll be doing; you can bet your bottom dollar there will be plenty of that. I just hope I can hold it together at least til I get in the car after we drop him off.

Ughhh - whose idea was it anyway for kids to go away to college without their moms????

High Alert - Momaholic Style

It's me. I'm on high alert, kid alert, right now for two reasons and their names are Charles and James. First, Charles is flying to Paris today to play basketball with his college team. I didn't realize it until today that today is Friday the 13th. I don't consider myself to be a superstitious person by nature; however, flying on Friday the 13th, just in case, would not be a choice I would make. He didn't happen to put the two together until today either. Needless to say, he left with my rosary beads in tow - just in case he needs them. I'm happy for him and all the experiences he'll have, but nervous all the same. The momaholic in me just doesn't feel comfortable when my kids are so far away, can't help it.

Second reason for high distress is that I also woke with the realization that two weeks from tomorrow we will be moving Jamey into college for the first time. YIKES!! I am not ready for this at all mentally. I'm holding it in too, which is even worse. I hope I can hold it somewhat together for his sake, and that of the rest of the family. This could prove to be a very long two weeks. I'll keep you posted.

Oh God, it's 9:25 and Charles takes off in 5 minutes!! I know that I won't get much sleep, that goes without saying. I'll just say a quick prayer for a safe flight - Godspeed my sweet Charles! And have a good time. Tear up Paris a little for me . . .